The Ethiopian Version of Social Pressure on Marriage, Family and Having Kids : A None Expert Opinion

The views, statements and opinion in the article reflects that of the writer’s , NOT borkena.com ‘s 

By Shimels Hussien Mohammed (PhD)

As I turned 40 this summer, I couldn’t help but feel the mounting social pressure from inside and outside to get married. Despite my own feelings of not being “aged” at all, people around me seem to think otherwise. This has been a persistent issue throughout my life, with friends and classmates during my bachelor’s study program jokingly laughing at my declaration that I wouldn’t marry before 40. Readings like “Life Begins at 40” and classic literature such as “War and Peace,  “Anna Karenina” and many other philosophical and psychological books had shaped my perspective on marriage and family, which differed significantly from the existing Ethiopian societal norm. Now, as I’ve actually reached this milestone age, the pressure from friends, relatives, coworkers, and even neighbors has only intensified, with the incessant “got married stuff.” I now recognized the issue is non-avoidable and decided it’s time to confront it head-on, through various mediums, from group discussions to social platforms and written work. The cultural and sociodemographic factors underlying these unending expectations, from getting married to having children and grandchildren, need to be examined and challenged. This personal experience, coupled with my growing awareness of how widespread this pressure is, has motivated me to explore the nuances of social pressure on marriage, particularly in the Ethiopian context.

To avoid any misconceptions, I want to clarify my stance on marriage and family. Just because I express my opinion on the issue, people may think it must be because I have a health issue that has prevented me from marrying at 40. I am in excellent health condition in any parameters out there, though. Or, they may think I am anti-family. I am not opposed to family; I value marriage, family, and children. I am open to marriage, but it will be for the right reasons, not out of pressure or to conform to traditional norms. However, when it comes to settling down, I have specific criteria that may seem unconventional to many Ethiopians, including my close friends. For example, age is merely a number to me, and I prefer no age gap, although my friends disagree. I am not concerned about a woman’s social, economic, or professional status; in fact, I see a woman of higher status as an asset. Whether she can give birth or not is not a factor for me, as I view adoption as an equally valid option. My primary criteria focus on value systems, behaviors, intelligence, education, profession, maturity, originality, exposure, experience, and communication. It’s worth noting that many other Ethiopians prioritize physical beauty, shape, hair, eye size, and younger age when considering a partner. These factors are not included in my criteria. I guess both are fine. This should be left to the individual. In the end, even beauty itself is in the eye of the beholder. I am stating this here just to make clear to the reader my position. Remember also I indicated in the title that I am not a marriage or family expert. I am just expressing my personal take of the issue. With that in mind, let’s continue my take on the main issue.

1. The Nature of Social Pressure on Marriage in Ethiopia

Social pressure surrounding marriage in Ethiopia manifests in numerous ways, often beginning with societal expectations to marry at a young certain age, followed by the pressure to have children, and eventually grandchildren. This relentless cycle creates a web of expectations that many individuals feel compelled to navigate. Historically, these pressures have deep roots in cultural and religious traditions, where marriage and family life were seen as essential for social status and security, especially in times of lower life expectancy and limited educational opportunities. In such contexts, success was often measured by the size of one’s family rather than personal achievements in career or education. Consequently, these deeply ingrained beliefs have perpetuated the notion that being single equates to being unhappy or unsuccessful, a misconception that overlooks the diverse ways individuals find fulfillment and happiness. This outdated view fails to recognize the evolving societal dynamics where personal choice, career development, and alternative lifestyles, such as cohabitation or choosing not to have children, are increasingly valued. As a result, it’s crucial to challenge these misconceptions and embrace a broader understanding of success and happiness, one that respects individual choices and modern realities. Unlike the pastimes of life expectancy below 50 years, now life expectancy has increased. So do the mean and median marital ages.

2. Traditional Origins of Social Pressure

In traditional Ethiopian society, historical factors played a significant role in shaping the emphasis on marriage and family. Low life expectancy meant that forming families early was crucial for ensuring lineage and support in old age. Religious beliefs further reinforced this, as many faiths promoted marriage as a sacred duty and a means of fulfilling divine expectations. In a context of underdevelopment, where educational and career opportunities were limited, marriage became a primary avenue for achieving social and economic stability. Families were often seen as the cornerstone of wealth and security; the more children one had, the greater the perceived prosperity and strength of the household. This perspective was deeply embedded in social norms, where family life was not only a personal milestone but also a vital component of societal standing. Being married and having children was equated with success and respectability, offering a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that was culturally esteemed. These traditional views continue to influence modern perceptions, although the dynamics of society are gradually shifting to accommodate broader definitions of success and personal fulfillment.

3. The Need for Societal Change

Societal expectations around marriage and family have remained largely unchanged for generations in Ethiopia, often rooted in traditional cultural norms and outdated socio-demographic realities. However, as education levels have risen, development has progressed, and lifestyles have become more diverse, these long-held expectations are becoming increasingly out of sync with the lived experiences of many individuals. The need for societal change is pressing, as the rigid adherence to these traditional norms can lead to immense personal and emotional strain, as well as a sense of failure or inadequacy for those who do not conform.

1. Evolution of Societal Expectations

With increased access to higher education and the resulting career opportunities, many individuals, especially in urban areas, are delaying marriage to focus on personal and professional development. Urbanization, globalization, and exposure to diverse cultures have also broadened perspectives, leading to a growing acceptance of alternative lifestyles, such as unmarried cohabitation and the choice to remain child-free. These shifting societal dynamics necessitate a critical re-examination of the long-held assumptions and expectations surrounding marriage and family.

2. Diverse Lifestyles

The growing acceptance of unmarried life, partners, cohabitation, and child-free choices reflects a positive evolution in societal attitudes, as individuals assert their right to define their own paths to fulfillment and happiness. This diversity of lifestyles challenges the traditional narrative that marriage and parenthood are the only valid and meaningful forms of adult life. By embracing these alternative choices, society can foster a more inclusive and supportive environment, where individuals are empowered to pursue their unique aspirations without the burden of conforming to rigid social norms. Recognizing and validating the inherent worth and dignity of diverse life experiences is crucial for creating a more just and equitable society.

3. Broader Definitions of Success

The prevailing societal notion of success has long been inextricably tied to the achievement of marriage and raising a family. However, as individuals increasingly seek fulfillment through diverse avenues, it is necessary to redefine success to encompass a wider range of personal and professional accomplishments. This may include the pursuit of higher education, career advancement, artistic or intellectual endeavors, community service, personal growth, and the nurturing of meaningful relationships beyond the traditional family structure. By expanding the definition of success, society can acknowledge the profound sense of purpose and satisfaction that individuals may derive from paths that do not necessarily involve marriage and children. Embracing this broader understanding of success can help alleviate the pressure and stigma often faced by those who choose alternative life trajectories.

4. New Social Norms

The trend of people delaying marriage, often due to increased educational pursuits and the desire for personal and professional development, is a positive reflection of societal evolution. This shift challenges the traditional expectation of early marriage, which was often driven by social and cultural factors rather than individual readiness or choice. By normalizing the decision to marry at a later age, society can promote more informed and mindful choices, leading to stronger and more fulfilling partnerships. Respecting individuals’ personal choices and boundaries is essential for fostering a more inclusive and equitable society. This involves refraining from unsolicited advice, pressuring, or judgment regarding an individual’s decisions about marriage, relationships, or family planning. By cultivating an environment where people feel safe to express their authentic selves and make autonomous choices, society can unlock the potential for greater personal fulfillment and social harmony. Embracing this ethos of respect and non-interference in personal matters can help break down the cycle of societal pressure and allow individuals to thrive on their own terms.

As societal norms evolve, it is crucial to recognize that meaningful connections, personal fulfillment, and emotional support can be found in a wide range of relationships, not just within the traditional family structure. Friendships, chosen families, and supportive communities can provide invaluable sources of joy, companionship, and personal growth, which may be equally or more important than marriage and children for some individuals. Celebrating and validating these alternative forms of belonging and fulfillment can help challenge the prevailing narrative that marriage and family are the sole paths to a meaningful life. By fostering an appreciation for the diverse ways in which individuals can find purpose, happiness, and a sense of belonging, society can become more inclusive and empowering for all.

4. Understanding Marriage Realities

Marriage is often portrayed in Ethiopia as the pinnacle of personal happiness and fulfillment, yet beneath this idealized image lies a multitude of challenges and complexities that are frequently overlooked. To truly understand the realities of marriage, it is essential to examine its less glamorous aspects, recognize the influence of attachment styles, and appreciate the importance of financial and personal readiness.

1. Negative Aspects of Marriage

While marriage can bring joy and companionship, it also presents significant challenges that can strain even the strongest relationships. Communication issues, conflicts, and differing expectations about roles and responsibilities are common sources of tension. Over time, these issues can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction if not addressed openly and constructively. Additionally, societal pressures and unrealistic portrayals of marriage in media often create expectations that are difficult to meet, leading individuals to feel inadequate or disillusioned. Acknowledging and addressing these challenges is crucial for building a resilient and understanding partnership.

2. Different Attachments

The dynamics of a marriage are profoundly influenced by the attachment styles of the individuals involved. Attachment theory suggests that people develop different patterns of attachment based on their early interactions with caregivers, which can affect their adult relationships. Secure attachment typically results in healthier relationship dynamics, characterized by trust and effective communication. In contrast, anxious attachment may lead to dependency and fear of abandonment, while avoidant attachment can result in emotional distance and difficulty with intimacy. Understanding these attachment styles can help partners navigate their differences, fostering a more empathetic and supportive environment.

3. Financial and Personal Readiness

Financial and personal readiness are critical prerequisites for a successful marriage and family life. Financial stability can alleviate many common stressors, such as debt and budgeting disagreements, allowing couples to focus on building their relationship. It is important for partners to have open discussions about financial goals, spending habits, and future plans to ensure alignment and prevent conflicts. Personal readiness, on the other hand, involves emotional maturity, self-awareness, and the ability to maintain a balance between individual needs and the needs of the relationship. Entering marriage without this readiness can lead to unmet expectations and personal dissatisfaction, ultimately affecting the partnership. Ethiopians at least need to know that not all prepare to enter into marriage without adequate back up. 

5. Solutions and Personal Strategies

Navigating the complexities of marriage and societal expectations requires thoughtful solutions and personal strategies. By maintaining personal boundaries, marrying a friend if possible, embracing self-awareness and self-worth, confronting misconceptions, and recognizing the naturalness of relationships and fertility, individuals can foster healthier and more fulfilling lives.

1. Maintaining Personal Boundaries

Setting and maintaining personal boundaries is crucial for preserving individuality and ensuring mutual respect in relationships. To establish effective boundaries, it is important to clearly communicate your needs and limits to your partner. This involves being honest about what you are comfortable with and what you are not, whether it pertains to time, personal space, or emotional demands. Consistency is key—reinforce your boundaries regularly to prevent misunderstandings. By respecting each other’s boundaries, partners can create a supportive environment that nurtures personal growth and relationship satisfaction. This approach has helped me personally to avoid many pressures from various angles except a recent event I faulted and it gave me some headaches and emotional drains.

2. Marrying a Friend

I personally would marry only a woman who is also a best friend. I want my wife to be my best friend, too. I need her companion and friendship more than her baby-making potential. You know, marrying someone you are already close to can offer substantial benefits. A foundation of friendship often means a deeper understanding of each other’s values, interests, and quirks, which can lead to a more harmonious relationship. Trust and communication, essential components. This pre-existing bond can provide a safe space for vulnerability and open dialogue, reducing the likelihood of conflicts arising from misunderstandings. Moreover, shared experiences and memories can strengthen the emotional connection, making it easier to navigate the challenges of married life.

3. Embracing Self-Awareness and Self-Worth

Self-awareness and self-worth are fundamental to building a healthy relationship. Understanding our own emotions, desires, and motivations allows us to communicate effectively and set realistic expectations. Self-love and acceptance foster resilience, enabling us to handle challenges with confidence. Cultivating a positive self-image helps us recognize our value, ensuring that we enter relationships for the right reasons—not out of insecurity or fear of being alone. By prioritizing self-awareness and self-worth, we can create a fulfilling partnership that respects both our needs and those of our partner.

4. Confronting Misconceptions

Challenging societal misconceptions about marriage and single life requires courage and persistence. Start by questioning traditional narratives that equate marriage with success and single-hood with failure. Engage in open conversations with friends and family to share diverse perspectives and experiences. Educate yourself and others about the varied paths to happiness and fulfillment, emphasizing that personal choice should be respected. By advocating for a broader understanding of life’s possibilities, you can help dismantle stereotypes and encourage acceptance of different lifestyles.

5. Recognizing the Naturalness of Relationships and Fertility

Understanding that relationships and fertility are natural processes can alleviate undue pressure and anxiety. Relationships should evolve organically, based on mutual interest and compatibility. Forced or rushed commitments often lead to dissatisfaction and conflict. Similarly, fertility should be viewed as a natural aspect of life, not as an obligation or measure of success. Accepting that some individuals may choose not to have children or may face challenges in conceiving is important for fostering a compassionate and inclusive society. By recognizing the natural flow of these processes, individuals can make decisions that align with their true desires and circumstances. It’s important to remember that reproduction is an instinctive behavior shared by many animals, not a uniquely human trait. Even the simplest organisms and complex wild animals excel at reproduction and population growth. Observing animal behavior, it’s clear that thinking is not a prerequisite for reproduction. As a thinking species, humans should approach reproduction with careful thought and planning. Additionally, it’s crucial to recognize and educate Ethiopians about the global prevalence of infertility. According to the World Health Organization, approximately 1 in 6 people of reproductive age worldwide experience infertility at some point in their lives. This means that roughly 15% of the adult population faces challenges conceiving. Therefore, in my view, at least for myself, marriage should primarily be about companionship, not solely about having children. I even believe it would be more compassionate to care for one or two of the many abandoned children in Ethiopia or combine a biological child with an adopted one. In this case, a role model is one of my best friends, Dr. Tewodros Mekonen. He is a highly intelligent and successful neurosurgeon and cardiologist in Stockholm, Sweden. He and his elegant Swedish White wife have adopted two children (a boy and a girl), forming a wonderful family. Children should not be solely defined by their biological connection to their parents. There are undoubtedly many abandoned children in Ethiopia who desperately need our care. We should not be selfish and focus solely on the perpetuation of our own genes. Personally, I do not care about whether my genes continue or not. My genes and I are nothing special. Ethiopia loses nothing whether my gene continues or not.

I’d like to conclude with a quote from Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace that presents a perspective on marriage that contrasts with the prevailing cultural push for early marriage in Ethiopia. Tolstoy writes: ‘Never, never marry, my friend. Here’s my advice to you: don’t marry until you can tell yourself that you’ve done all you could, and until you’ve stopped loving the woman you’ve chosen, until you see her clearly, otherwise you’ll be cruelly and irremediably mistaken. Marry when you’re old and good for nothing…Otherwise all that’s good and lofty in you will be lost.‘ (Book 1, Chapter 8). Tolstoy’s cautionary words serve as a reminder that marriage is a complex and deeply personal decision. While cultural and societal pressures often encourage early marriage, it’s essential to consider individual circumstances and aspirations. Ultimately, the decision of when and whom to marry should be based on personal values, maturity, and a clear understanding of one’s life goals.”

Acknowledgment

I should acknowledge that the concepts and ideas presented in this opinion article are just my opinions but not entirely my own. They draw heavily on various books I’ve read and numerous informal discussions with friends of various marital and family status, including Rania Ahmed (divorced, no children), Dr. Mezgebe Hailu (a pediatrician, unmarried, no children), Dr. Kumlachew Abate (a radiologist, married with two children), Dr. Temesgen Beka (a gynecologist, married with two children), and Tesfamichael (an epidemiologist, unmarried, no children).

Dr. Shimels Hussien is a Researcher and Ass. Professor of Public Health at St. Paul Hospital’s Millennium Medical College, Addis Ababa. He can be reached at: shimelsh@gmail.com

Editor’s note : Views in the article do not necessarily reflect the views of borkena.com

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